We recently saw a comedian who joked that "the only thing worse than going to a job you hate is applying for a job you know you are going to hate." The words were the truest I have ever heard.
I'm sure most people can relate to this. Unless you happen to be Chloe Green, Holly Branson, one of the Hiltons, or have parents who head up a media empire or fashion house you have most likely applied for jobs that you secretly hoped you wouldn't get (desperation forces application but doesn't erase pride!) Once the application has been sent there is the wait for the reply, or as increasingly is the case no response at all. Which is worse being rejected for a job you don't want and are clearly over qualified for, or getting a job you don't want that you are over qualified for? I'll let you decide.
So before your hard working partner returns to work on Tuesday and your post bank holiday hangover kicks in as you begin the job hunt afresh here are some things to consider...
People lie on CVs. Fact. This in itself isn't a major problem. I am a firm believer that if you are certain that you can do something or have a certain skill, go ahead and say you have experience. You can easily take a mundane job, title it appropriately ( pub glass collector/ Product replenishment operator, dogsbody/PA, tv repair person/essential service restoration official, you get the idea) and add in any skills relevant to the job you are applying for and you are off to a flying start. The chances are if you are successful and references are required, your past HR department will have either forgotten you and what you did or have little interest into how capable you are in someone elses employment* If you tailor your cv for every job, you practically deserve the job, qualified or not. Looking for a job, is a full time job, no exaggeration.
So if you are using colourful language, telling small white lies, and hoping people won't see through you, do you think your potential employer doesn't apply the same tactics? Here are a few terms to be aware of before emailing your cv:
They say "flexible hours", this means 'we will give you a zero hours contract and give you such varied shifts you will be incapable of getting another job and as a result be at our disposal.' It probably means no overtime either.
They say " May require some weekend work" this means 'will certainly require weekend work.' It will also probably be unpredictable weekend work so don't think that three weeks of Sundays mean you will be off the Saturday of a friends birthday barbeque!
They say "working within a small team 'this means you are the small team more or less.' Be prepared to take on multiple roles with no extra pay.
They say 'must be self motivated and show initiative' this means there are lots of people who are better blaggers than you and have no idea what to instruct you to do. They are out of their depth but still higher up the food chain so be nice!!!
They say "be part of a family company". This is one to be very wary of. This means most employees are family, will get the best shifts, jobs and probably extended lunches and extra holidays Embrace and accept this or get out. This job will not be some schmaltzy 'baking cookies with a cute grandma' like an afternoon movie. This type of company will also have little knowledge and interest in employment law!
They say "must be able to work under pressure" means 'we are disorganised and working in a fast moving business' his is a great opportunity to jump up the ladder if you keep it together.
My final tip is: never take a job where you rely on commission. You will surely lose out unless you join when your income is zero or you are making huge profits for the company.
So job hunters, before you type up a covering letter this Tuesday consider my points. There are many more little employer fibs out there, you just need to read between the lines. The harsh reality is that our generation is going to have to work for a very,very long time, so be damn sure you don't end up in a job that is worse than the norm.
And for any of you who are reading this who have worked for the same company for 20+ years and have never applied for a cringe worthy job, don't be smug. It is a well known fact people thrive on variety and people bond in their misery;you make great friends when you are all in it together. Everyone needs something to look back at and cringe/laugh about.
Happy job hunting!
*no offence to HR intended
Sunday, 6 May 2012
Saturday, 5 May 2012
"I'm happy to leave the little buggers my debt"
Life insurance. Hardly the most exciting purchase you will ever make and unlikely to be the sort of thing you sign up to spur of the moment. It's one of those things you purchase with a mortgage or buy in one of those 'grown up and thinking of the future moments' when you have more credit cards with outstanding balances than you will ever pay.
Despite that I found myself at life insurance bootcamp at the end of a particularly hedonistic and expensive summer- debt will drive you to believe the 'great commission' promises. Even getting to the training involved a two stage interview with a 14year old (possible exaggeration) marketing graduate. I made the grade and filed into training with 8 other cash seeking girls. Selling insurance is hard enough in the right forum but it is probably worth mentioning that I was expected to sell the product in a low cost supermarket in one of the poorest areas of Scotland!
Training-such as it was-over, the following week we were to be unleashed on the general public. We were told to 'engage families in conversation about what would happen in the event of their death'(!?!), 'target people in the aisles they were most likely to spend time browsing like clothing and entertainment' and most importantly steal, I mean obtain, at least 20 peoples details a day for the brokers to call on a follow up! As if considering your own death isn't grim enough the topic of death with new mothers and fathers didn't go down well. As for targeting families, as anyone who has ever tried doing a weekly shop with small children will confirm, if you are quickly ticking the items off your list with a happy child who is not throwing a tantrum over the latest peppa pig dvd or screaming for a feed, you are about as likely to engage in a sales chat as you are to poke a bear! I tried, I really did, I explained all the hard truths about debt not dying with you and thinking about provisions for the future but if you are picking up a bikini for a late sun deal you are unlikely to care beyond your week in Magaluf. Not to mention those with the attitude they were "happy to leave the little buggers their debt" The little buggers in question their greiving partners and children.
The deal was minimum wage for hours worked( kill me now!) and 65p for every follow up when the person answered the phone rising to a whole £1 if they took out a policy. Following a very tedious month of wandering aisles and filling in the enquiry forms I was paid. NO COMMISSION! None. Not even a measly 65p for my efforts. I quit there and then.After disputing that out of the number of forms submitted no one answered their phone for several weeks I gave up. There was noway to prove that the company was a cowboy operation.
I had a call from them a few months later asking me if I would be interested in a few shifts. Ha 'I'd rather not thanks all the same'. I figured that in a deprived area where the average life expectancy is 55, I'd leave this breed of coffin dodgers to buy their Fray Bentos pies in peace.
Until the next time.....
Despite that I found myself at life insurance bootcamp at the end of a particularly hedonistic and expensive summer- debt will drive you to believe the 'great commission' promises. Even getting to the training involved a two stage interview with a 14year old (possible exaggeration) marketing graduate. I made the grade and filed into training with 8 other cash seeking girls. Selling insurance is hard enough in the right forum but it is probably worth mentioning that I was expected to sell the product in a low cost supermarket in one of the poorest areas of Scotland!
Training-such as it was-over, the following week we were to be unleashed on the general public. We were told to 'engage families in conversation about what would happen in the event of their death'(!?!), 'target people in the aisles they were most likely to spend time browsing like clothing and entertainment' and most importantly steal, I mean obtain, at least 20 peoples details a day for the brokers to call on a follow up! As if considering your own death isn't grim enough the topic of death with new mothers and fathers didn't go down well. As for targeting families, as anyone who has ever tried doing a weekly shop with small children will confirm, if you are quickly ticking the items off your list with a happy child who is not throwing a tantrum over the latest peppa pig dvd or screaming for a feed, you are about as likely to engage in a sales chat as you are to poke a bear! I tried, I really did, I explained all the hard truths about debt not dying with you and thinking about provisions for the future but if you are picking up a bikini for a late sun deal you are unlikely to care beyond your week in Magaluf. Not to mention those with the attitude they were "happy to leave the little buggers their debt" The little buggers in question their greiving partners and children.
The deal was minimum wage for hours worked( kill me now!) and 65p for every follow up when the person answered the phone rising to a whole £1 if they took out a policy. Following a very tedious month of wandering aisles and filling in the enquiry forms I was paid. NO COMMISSION! None. Not even a measly 65p for my efforts. I quit there and then.After disputing that out of the number of forms submitted no one answered their phone for several weeks I gave up. There was noway to prove that the company was a cowboy operation.
I had a call from them a few months later asking me if I would be interested in a few shifts. Ha 'I'd rather not thanks all the same'. I figured that in a deprived area where the average life expectancy is 55, I'd leave this breed of coffin dodgers to buy their Fray Bentos pies in peace.
Until the next time.....
Friday, 4 May 2012
'I can aid you through the night'
I promised to share various humiliations my career choices have caused me so here is one of my all time favourite jobs.
Picture the scene, two weeks before Christmas an agency you are registered to calls and offers you £12 for an 'easy' bit of promotional work. Money is good, location fine and bonus of free parking. "Yes" I eagerly reply. Fast forward to the thursday of that week when I have somehow found myself wearing an ill-fitting t-shirt printed in large letters with the phrase 'I can aid you through the night'. You will be surprised to know I was not then instructed to loiter around the male toilets in sleasy bars or outside a strip club come closing and later hand over my earnings to my pimp (potentially less soul destroying than what was to come). No I was sent into a large retail chemist in one of the cities busiest shopping centres on December 19th to promote and increase sales of anti-snoring nasal strips!!!! Stop laughing this is actually my life(or was).
As I tried dutifully to hand out free samples and engage people in conversations about their sleeping habits(grim enough) I was also asked frequent medical questions.
"what did I recommend for flatulence?"
"why is the tena lady pad size I wanted out of stock" (I was tempted to tell her it was due to the rise of people pissing themselves laughing at my t-shirt but she didn't look the humourous sort)
And the 'funny'guys asking to be pointed in the direction of the xxl condoms. Heard it all before mate!
Seriously people have no shame, they walk within 50yards of a chemist and develop an inability to hold in their symptoms.
Anyway back to my own humiliation. If things weren't degrading enough as the 20th hairy nostriled man showed me his throat( can't help snoring I have a narrow passage) or up his nose (he has a cold) I saw a former colleague walking towards me. This was not a particularly unlikely situation as having been former crew of an airline and the shopping centre being located 5minutes away, in the week before Christmas the liklihood of crew popping in to pick up gifts was fairly high. I just hadn't considered this possibility.
In normal (i.e better dressed situations) I would have been delighted to see her. But as she walked smiling towards me in my former uniform I cringed. I figured if I could keep my back against the shelf and do some muttering about instore beauty promotion I could avoid any major humiliation. Five minutes passed and we caught up- She was well, husband had flu, son shepherd in nativity, popping to Primark for Christmas jammies, I was fine, hadn't finished shopping, the usual. On the cusp of saying goodbye I relaxed a little, humiliation averted, as an short woman beckoned me to ask about the location of cystitis treatments, I made the fatal mistake of turning my back on colleague.
I saw her supress a slight smirk but in true hostie style said nothing. It didn't matter the damage was done. I offered her a free strip for her congested husband and we forced a laugh.
Agency called "Want to do some more strip promotion on the 23rd" Did I hell!
And this is only the beginning!
Picture the scene, two weeks before Christmas an agency you are registered to calls and offers you £12 for an 'easy' bit of promotional work. Money is good, location fine and bonus of free parking. "Yes" I eagerly reply. Fast forward to the thursday of that week when I have somehow found myself wearing an ill-fitting t-shirt printed in large letters with the phrase 'I can aid you through the night'. You will be surprised to know I was not then instructed to loiter around the male toilets in sleasy bars or outside a strip club come closing and later hand over my earnings to my pimp (potentially less soul destroying than what was to come). No I was sent into a large retail chemist in one of the cities busiest shopping centres on December 19th to promote and increase sales of anti-snoring nasal strips!!!! Stop laughing this is actually my life(or was).
As I tried dutifully to hand out free samples and engage people in conversations about their sleeping habits(grim enough) I was also asked frequent medical questions.
"what did I recommend for flatulence?"
"why is the tena lady pad size I wanted out of stock" (I was tempted to tell her it was due to the rise of people pissing themselves laughing at my t-shirt but she didn't look the humourous sort)
And the 'funny'guys asking to be pointed in the direction of the xxl condoms. Heard it all before mate!
Seriously people have no shame, they walk within 50yards of a chemist and develop an inability to hold in their symptoms.
Anyway back to my own humiliation. If things weren't degrading enough as the 20th hairy nostriled man showed me his throat( can't help snoring I have a narrow passage) or up his nose (he has a cold) I saw a former colleague walking towards me. This was not a particularly unlikely situation as having been former crew of an airline and the shopping centre being located 5minutes away, in the week before Christmas the liklihood of crew popping in to pick up gifts was fairly high. I just hadn't considered this possibility.
In normal (i.e better dressed situations) I would have been delighted to see her. But as she walked smiling towards me in my former uniform I cringed. I figured if I could keep my back against the shelf and do some muttering about instore beauty promotion I could avoid any major humiliation. Five minutes passed and we caught up- She was well, husband had flu, son shepherd in nativity, popping to Primark for Christmas jammies, I was fine, hadn't finished shopping, the usual. On the cusp of saying goodbye I relaxed a little, humiliation averted, as an short woman beckoned me to ask about the location of cystitis treatments, I made the fatal mistake of turning my back on colleague.
I saw her supress a slight smirk but in true hostie style said nothing. It didn't matter the damage was done. I offered her a free strip for her congested husband and we forced a laugh.
Agency called "Want to do some more strip promotion on the 23rd" Did I hell!
And this is only the beginning!
Thursday, 3 May 2012
The beginning
I am what parents of children coming up to exams this summer would call a cautionary tale. It's true. I am what happens when you don't follow the educational pattern of your classmates. It is of course possible to be a success and make your fortune but in the (once ignored)words of my eternally understanding father "you will have to work twice as hard as graduates to achieve it". He was right!
At twenty....too close to 30 to mention I have an account that never drops the DR after the balance, credit cards that come with advice about not paying the minimum and a holdall of shoes needing repaired which I can't afford to repair. On paper my various ventures look impressive and I am holding onto the fact they soon will pay the bills.
So how did I get here. It was a simple path of parties, opting not to go to university-despite being enrolled to various establishments for a range of courses over years- and maintaining a diehard belief that I could succeed without a piece of paper starting my ability to be educated. I am now embarking on my final push to promote my businesses and see if I can shock my bank into refunding bank charges by hauling my account into credit.
The years have been fun in their way though and some of the ridiculous jobs I have undertaken in my quest to make my fortune are certainly amusing, more so if they were just stories as opposed to my actual life! Keep watching the posts, if nothing else they will make you feel so much better about your life and employment. Heres how I am climbing towards my wishful fortunes!
At twenty....too close to 30 to mention I have an account that never drops the DR after the balance, credit cards that come with advice about not paying the minimum and a holdall of shoes needing repaired which I can't afford to repair. On paper my various ventures look impressive and I am holding onto the fact they soon will pay the bills.
So how did I get here. It was a simple path of parties, opting not to go to university-despite being enrolled to various establishments for a range of courses over years- and maintaining a diehard belief that I could succeed without a piece of paper starting my ability to be educated. I am now embarking on my final push to promote my businesses and see if I can shock my bank into refunding bank charges by hauling my account into credit.
The years have been fun in their way though and some of the ridiculous jobs I have undertaken in my quest to make my fortune are certainly amusing, more so if they were just stories as opposed to my actual life! Keep watching the posts, if nothing else they will make you feel so much better about your life and employment. Heres how I am climbing towards my wishful fortunes!
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