We recently saw a comedian who joked that "the only thing worse than going to a job you hate is applying for a job you know you are going to hate." The words were the truest I have ever heard.
I'm sure most people can relate to this. Unless you happen to be Chloe Green, Holly Branson, one of the Hiltons, or have parents who head up a media empire or fashion house you have most likely applied for jobs that you secretly hoped you wouldn't get (desperation forces application but doesn't erase pride!) Once the application has been sent there is the wait for the reply, or as increasingly is the case no response at all. Which is worse being rejected for a job you don't want and are clearly over qualified for, or getting a job you don't want that you are over qualified for? I'll let you decide.
So before your hard working partner returns to work on Tuesday and your post bank holiday hangover kicks in as you begin the job hunt afresh here are some things to consider...
People lie on CVs. Fact. This in itself isn't a major problem. I am a firm believer that if you are certain that you can do something or have a certain skill, go ahead and say you have experience. You can easily take a mundane job, title it appropriately ( pub glass collector/ Product replenishment operator, dogsbody/PA, tv repair person/essential service restoration official, you get the idea) and add in any skills relevant to the job you are applying for and you are off to a flying start. The chances are if you are successful and references are required, your past HR department will have either forgotten you and what you did or have little interest into how capable you are in someone elses employment* If you tailor your cv for every job, you practically deserve the job, qualified or not. Looking for a job, is a full time job, no exaggeration.
So if you are using colourful language, telling small white lies, and hoping people won't see through you, do you think your potential employer doesn't apply the same tactics? Here are a few terms to be aware of before emailing your cv:
They say "flexible hours", this means 'we will give you a zero hours contract and give you such varied shifts you will be incapable of getting another job and as a result be at our disposal.' It probably means no overtime either.
They say " May require some weekend work" this means 'will certainly require weekend work.' It will also probably be unpredictable weekend work so don't think that three weeks of Sundays mean you will be off the Saturday of a friends birthday barbeque!
They say "working within a small team 'this means you are the small team more or less.' Be prepared to take on multiple roles with no extra pay.
They say 'must be self motivated and show initiative' this means there are lots of people who are better blaggers than you and have no idea what to instruct you to do. They are out of their depth but still higher up the food chain so be nice!!!
They say "be part of a family company". This is one to be very wary of. This means most employees are family, will get the best shifts, jobs and probably extended lunches and extra holidays Embrace and accept this or get out. This job will not be some schmaltzy 'baking cookies with a cute grandma' like an afternoon movie. This type of company will also have little knowledge and interest in employment law!
They say "must be able to work under pressure" means 'we are disorganised and working in a fast moving business' his is a great opportunity to jump up the ladder if you keep it together.
My final tip is: never take a job where you rely on commission. You will surely lose out unless you join when your income is zero or you are making huge profits for the company.
So job hunters, before you type up a covering letter this Tuesday consider my points. There are many more little employer fibs out there, you just need to read between the lines. The harsh reality is that our generation is going to have to work for a very,very long time, so be damn sure you don't end up in a job that is worse than the norm.
And for any of you who are reading this who have worked for the same company for 20+ years and have never applied for a cringe worthy job, don't be smug. It is a well known fact people thrive on variety and people bond in their misery;you make great friends when you are all in it together. Everyone needs something to look back at and cringe/laugh about.
Happy job hunting!
*no offence to HR intended
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